it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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