in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
