I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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