Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
