Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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