i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
