I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You know, be my cock's hype man.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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