I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it was like eating out sand paper
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
