I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
