i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
