I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
