Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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