so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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