I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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