oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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