12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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