I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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