why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
