Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
