i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Im part way to drunk.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
