i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
