I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
