When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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