There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
