i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
