My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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