lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
