Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
