I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
false alarm, still single
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
