No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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