hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
