Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I love you. Go after that dick
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
