you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
