i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
