You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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