We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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