But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
