"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
