separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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