you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
