so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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