In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
