I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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