I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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