I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I would ride that face into the sunset
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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