I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
