I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
