What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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