Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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