btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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